Fatherly Anxs

    As many of you know I've been asked to write a manuscript by my University Department Chair about Father's of Premature Babies.  Below is piece of the rough draft of sorts for the eventual manuscript:

      In recent years, I've gone to a few movies by myself.  As a younger man, I had written this off as something that only sad, lonely people do (I apologize if this is a regular practice of yours).  I've gone once because I had time to kill when I was out of town, and a couple of other times when I was avoiding reality and needed a 90 minute escape.  I've found that for me, going to a movie by myself is not as rewarding as I think it's going to be.  I think for most people, a movie is more of a social event then we realize.  When a movie is funny, we turn to the people next to us to confirm that what we are laughing at is actually funny.  When a movie is scary or dramatic, we look to others for solace or to share in the moment of terror or dramatic astonishment.  But when you go by yourself, there's a feeling of loneliness.  A feeling of "I should be enjoying this more than I am."  I remember having that feeling as I watched Captain America in theaters this last fall.  As I sat there watching the action-packed movie I thought to myself "I know this is a good movie.  It got great reviews.  It's not boring.  The acting is good.  I was excited to see it.  Why does it not feel like I'm not enjoying the movie as much as I should?"  The NICU, can feel much the same way but instead of 90 minutes it's shaping up to be more like 90 days and even longer.
     A regular day for the us at this point consist of Tracy and I waking up sometime usually in the 8 o'clock hour and making our way across the street to the NICU sometime between 9 and 10 am.  From here, I will usually stay for less than an hour before I'm off to the gym for a couple hours.  Tracy rarely leaves on a normal day.  Upon my return in the early afternoon, we are usually in the NICU till about 10 o'clock at night and on occasion a littler earlier or later.  Basically, everyday is almost exactly the same as the day before.  The only way I know what day it is comes from thinking about when the last Sunday was because we go to church on Sunday.  Now, getting back to my movie example.  How is a movie by yourself like being in the NICU?  Like the movie that you feel you should be enjoying, I too feel like I should be enjoying my time with my son more.  Most fathers don't get to spend all day with their newborn sons.  They must leave shortly after their child is born for eight to ten hours a day for work, back to their regular routine.  I have no job to go to, however.  My regular routine is 1,200 miles away.
     The NICU is a place unique to itself.  Unlike a regular hospital room, there are no walls, no doors.  But even in regular hospital rooms, there's not typically much to see or hear.  Patients either have visitors who they are talking with from time to time, or they are watching tv, reading, or sleeping.  In the NICU, it is rarely quiet.  Even if Jude is asleep there is at least one other baby crying or a machine ringing off.  As far as productivity, it's a black abyss.  Again, even if your child is not requesting your attention through his voiceless cries, there are constantly nurses, nurse practitioners,  neonatologists, hematologists, neurologists, respiratory therapists, respiratory therapist students, pharmacy technicians, cardiologists, social workers, chaplains, and custodial staff coming to the bedside (I'm embellishing perhaps a bit on the frequency of the visits but not on  the number of different people we see throughout the week).  I remember thinking at the beginning of the semester that I should be able to get my whole semester's work done in about a week.  However, I find myself so distracted on a regular basis that literally days go by without accomplishing a single homework task.
     Lately, I have found myself wandering away from the hospital more and more to my in-laws home to perform home improvements.  It's all I can do to gain back some kind of control in my life.  It's not just the control though, I do enjoy working with my hands.  Every time I leave, however, I find myself feeling guilty.  Guilty that I'm leaving Tracy to be at the NICU by herself (although she's made friends with a few of the nurses) and guilty most of all because I'm leaving Jude.  But then I think back to those fathers I spoke of earlier who go back to their regular routine.  I've come to believe that it's just natural for a father to begin wandering back to his normal routine.  As I've talked more and more with Tracy, we've discussed that mom's just have that nurturing nature while dad's do not.  That doesn't mean that I don't dote over my son while at the NICU but it's normal for fathers to feel anxious and depressed about the situation.  If my child were a normal infant than he would be at home with his mother while I would return to work.  It's only natural than that since he isn't a normal baby and has to be in the NICU that those feelings would still exists for me, a father. 
     The more I wander out the more I realize that the NICU is that lonely movie theater.  Movies are not meant to be watched alone but rather with friends and family (or the occasional date) just like babies are not  meant to live in the NICU but to go home with their families.  Once you realize that your new normal doesn't feel normal because it's not normal (say that five times fast) you can begin to feel better about those guilty feelings of wanting to escape the NICU.  It's healthy to take some time away just to clear your thoughts, see what the weather's like outside, and what is happening in the world away from the hospital.  When you return, you're refreshed and eager to see your baby and spouse.