The Dude Abides

     Frank B Shutts said: “One very important ingredient of success is a good, wide-awake, persistent, tireless enemy.”  This nugget of wisdom has found it's most comfortable place perhaps in Jude.  In his case, his enemy is invisible yet it is tireless and persistent.  Jude had quite a night on Monday.  As is apparent from my last blog, everything seemed to be going wrong all at once.  After going almost two weeks without seeing a doctor at Jude's bedside, aside from the occasional drop-in for five minutes during rounds or consults, there were now two doctors at his bedside along with two additional nurses.  The hospital and especially the NICU is an odd place.  You want your baby to get plenty of attention from nurses and doctors so they can get better and at the same time there are few things more terrifying than seeing your baby grab all the attention of the nearby staff in the NICU.  You wish the crowd was gathering out of admiration but you know it's really out of obligation.
     (This next paragraph will be fairly vulnerable and quite dark so the faint of heart may choose to skip to the next paragraph, however, I'm sure this footnote only makes those people more curious to read it).  I have to admit, I hadn't felt that much fear and anxiety yet in my life.  Tracy's OBG specialist here at Children's Mercy had told us not to take the high's too high and the low's too low, meaning Jude will have ups and downs and we should try and stay level, emotionally.  It's kind of like telling an addict in recovery to just stop...little easier said than done.  At the beginning of all this, I seemed to be doing ok.  Like I talked about in my previous blog "Jude the Dude" I was doing my best to fight off the ANTS with Romans 8:28.  However, as Jude's condition only worsened I started to lose my fight.  As I sat and watched as one of the doctor's seemed to panick a little at the sight of Jude's oxygen levels dropping into dangerous levels and the respiratory therapist providing him manual ventilation the ANTS went marching on and on.  I started to think about what seemed to be the inevitable.  I thought about how far Jude had come only to throw it all away, it seemed.  My mind took me to a place where we would be trading in his booties for a toe tag, his crib for a coffin, and a baby book for a tombstone.  I thought about the fishing trips that would never happen, the special mornings where he and I would go out to breakfast, the two of us, just like my Dad and I used to, and how those would never happen.  As grief overtook me, I tried desperately to hold onto Romans 8:28 and Maurice's words from just yesterday: "if you really believe this scripture then you will not doubt  God's plans for you ever again."  I tried so hard to hold onto these words but as the situation became more intense those words, like Tracy's doctor's, seemed easier said than done.  Tracy too seemed to be having a difficult time in the moment, but who can blame her.  I began to think about the people all around the country praying for Jude at that time per our requests through Facebook and texts.  "If they have the faith," I thought, "then so can I ."  So, I held onto the the little faith I had left inside (as if I had any other choice) and waited.
     An hour or so later, Jude's condition had stabilized.  His oxygen levels weren't fantastic, but they had improved significantly.  The doctor who at one time seemed panicked was now in awe at how quickly Jude had recovered and climbed up the number scale with his oxygen.  Doctors had replaced his trach, which happens regularly about twice a week, and put him back on the larger ventilator (they did many other things in the process but those are the two biggest events of the night regarding his care).  As one doctor came over to check on Jude he asked what his oxygen levels were.  Where they were once in the mid 50's, the doctor now reported he was at 80.  The doctor, however, was quickly corrected by a nurse who said they were in the 90's.  "Wow!  How did that happen?" the doctor asked in amazement.  As the nurses, doctors, and respiratory therapist shared their versions of which portion of the care had contributed to Jude's improvement I couldn't help but look on with a small grin on my face.  No doubt the staff had done an amazing job in responding to Jude's need for fast, immediate care but I didn't believe, and still don't, that they alone were responsible.  My mind again went back to the people all around the country praying for Jude at that moment.  It seemed too coincidental to think that Jude could climb back up the health ladder so quickly from just some equipment changes in medicine.  In fact, there was some slight truth presented to support this.  While Jude's oxygen levels were slowly rising, one of the doctors commented that he was satisfied with Jude's levels but not exactly happy about them.  He assured us that they would probably rise by morning but in cases like this it usually took about twelve hours for his numbers to get back up to "comfortable" levels.  Ten minutes later, they were up.  Maybe Jude's body was just catching up to the medication or just getting used to the ventilator and decided to rise to the occasion.  Maybe the doctors and nurses at Children's Mercy are just that good, better than they themselves even think or profess to be.  Or, maybe God responded to the prayers of multiple people around the country praying for a special boy who they all hope to meet someday.
     Thinking back to the struggle to stay faithful in the moment I am reminded of Hebrews 12: 1B-2 which says:  "And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus the author and perfecter of our faith."  It made me think that at times you are going to struggle through the trials.  But its the persevering that is important.  Even Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane went through this as he asked God if there were any other way that we could all be saved.  In the end it all goes back to making it through the struggles and hopefully strengthening your faith.  Tracy and I were able to witness what I believe the power of prayer.  We are so thankful for all the love and prayers we and Jude received.  Today, which is only two days later, Jude is back on the regular ventilator and back on track to recovery.  Without those moments where he has to face his enemy there can be no victory in the end.

To God be ALL the Glory,

-Chris