A Tale of Two Hospitals

     Well, for those of you on Facebook you already know that today was quite a day.  I suspect this post will be quite lengthy but I think it's best told wholly, in story form.  It started off as a normal, tranquil morning.  Tracy and I slept in, which for both of us meant different things.  For her, it was the first night out of the hospital, sleeping free from stomach staples and free from nurses waking her to check her vitals.  For me, it was a sweet night of slumber in an actual bed for the first time in 6 days.  We are now in the Ronald McDonald House across the street from Children's Mercy.  It is very comfortable.  It will surely become one of our charities we support throughout our lifetime.
     My morning check-in with Jude went well.  His blood gases were looking good and there were no other matters worth discussing regarding his health and welfare for the day.  So, my parents headed over around noon to the hospital, excited to take both Tracy and I to a lunch away from the hospital.  We were all feeling pretty good about the day given the bit of bad news we received from our Neonatologist the day before and since my dad, who was down the entire day Sunday with what he now thinks was food poisoning, was up and about and seemed back to normal.  Before lunch we (Tracy and I) had to take care of a little admin business at the hospital.  As we came out of the office my Mom was laying on the couch in the waiting room.  I assumed she was just exhausted, same as everyone else after the week we all had.  As she sat up she smiled as said she was resting because she had a deep pain in her lower abdomen that was starting to hurt more.  She insisted that it was not that bad so we headed out to lunch.  As we got the restaurant, which was only a two miles away, she began to experience more discomfort and pain.  Before our food arrived at lunch my Mom was writhing in pain in the back seat of the car, tears streaming down her cheek, in distress about receiving medical assistance since her health insurance will not be active till February.  After a few minutes of discussion and insisting on my part, we canceled our lunch orders and drove to the regular hospital across from Children's Mercy.
     Once we got Mom inside and admitted, Tracy returned to Children's Mercy to take care of some personal baby business for which she needs to stay on schedule (may or may not have lost all the guys reading this depending on how much you paid attention during post-pregnancy activities).  As I left to check-in with Jude they began a series of tests on my Mom which over the course of the day included: two CT scans, an ultrasound, and others that I cannot remember or was not told about.  My Dad had to fly back to Spokane within a couple hours of my Mom being admitted.  He just began a new job after two years of unemployment so he had to return today for fear of losing his job should he not be at work tomorrow.  When I returned from taking Dad to the airport they had run a few of the tests mentioned before on Mom and had no clue what the problem was.  She insisted that I return to Jude and that she would call me. 
     As I got back to the NICU to see my son, I received a phone call shortly upon my arrival from my Mom.  She said that the doctors had seen a mass on her kidneys.  They didn't know what it was but there appeared to be a mass.  As I sat there with my brother-in-law, Jacob, staring at my son  I began to think why all of this was happening.  I started to think what God was wanting to teach me but then I stopped myself and asked "why should you think that any of this has to do with you?  What kind of ego-maniac are you to assume that just because tough situations are happening around you (although I would like to think Jude's situation is at least partly happening to me as a parent) that they are somehow centered around God speaking/working to you or for you?"  As I snapped out of my ego-centrism I began to think that myself and other Christians often want to find meaning in everything.  If we get turned down for a promotion at work it is because God has something better for us.  In the same day, find $10 on the sidewalk then that was God's way of trying to cheer us up, we think.  But sometimes, I think, things just happen.  They happen because God allows them to happen because God allows free-will.  If I try to find meaning in everything that happens in my life, in Tracy's life, and especially in Jude's life over the next year (and more so the next few months) then I will find myself dazed and confused.  Because bad things happening in life do not directly correlate to God's love for us.  If Jude were to die tomorrow, I could not rightfully assume that this meant God loved Me, Tracy, or Jude any less and this is why he took Jude.  In the same way, if Jude has rough days, weeks, or is stricken with Cerebral Palsy this is a result of imperfect results in an imperfect world.  My mother experienced pain today because, well actually we don't know why she experienced pain, she was discharged with the source of her pain never being determined.  But one thing I am certain, it was not a result of God trying to rub salt in a wound to teach a hard lesson.
     As I have shared with many who read this, my younger brother said a profound thing when I told him about Jude's diagnosis.  He said this was what I had been preparing for, that as a Christian, you are preparing for hardships as a way to prove your faith.  Without hardships, you simply cannot prove your faith.  It would be as if a man attempted to prove his bravery without being put in danger.  How can you say you'll stand up to something when there's nothing to stand up to?  So for now, Tracy and I try our best to stand the test of faith.  For the first time in my life I feel as though I can grasp with some semblance of understanding what James meant in James 1: 2-5.  It is not the hardship itself that you take joy in.  You see, this always threw me.  I always thought, "how can I be expected to actually be joyful when terrible things are happening?  Surely this is something that I will never accomplish."  But, as I said and as I believe James was saying it's not the hardship that you are celebrating.  It's the fact that when the hardship comes you realize that: 1) you had faith you didn't think you had (HUGE discovery for me the last six months and 2) faith is rewarded with comfort.  I have felt more comfort (or Hupomone the "comfort cascade" for those of you who speak Greek or know Dave Weidner) from God through the small amount of faith I have mustered this last week.  Perhaps God's purpose in today was not to increase MY faith, increase my dependence upon Him, and provide an opportunity for comfort but it was, as they say in the medical field, a side effect.
     Thanks to all for your support, your messages, texts, phone calls and prayers.  Tracy is doing better each day and continues to surprise me by her strength and faith.  We are eternally grateful and know that it is not without God's family that we are here and doing as well as we are.
 
     Humbly,
            
     Chris