a few random thoughts from a mother

I’ve found myself wanting to share things but they don’t always seem like enough to blog about, plus getting me to actually sit and blog seems to be impossible.

The first:

It’s funny how the moment you have a child your whole life becomes first. It as if your whole life starts over (in some ways it really does) and you are aware of every moment and everything you cherish the smallest thing because it was the first and that will never change. The first time they look at you, the first smile (even if it is gas or a reflex), the first time home, haha that first car ride, the first feed, the first diaper change, the first kiss, the first night, the first time you fit into your pre pregnancy clothes( already am, and yep I am bragging). Some of these first I can’t wait for, they feel like a life time away! Being in the nicu I realized I may not be the person who experiences his first (changing his first poopy diaper I did not mind missing!) I was not the first one to bath him, or the first one to feed him, I did not get to be the first one to put him to bed at night, the first one to dress him or even the first to see him open his eyes. It is a weird feeling to come into the nicu you and hear of his first that I missed.  Being in the nicu you first are also very different; for instance his first poo which happened days after being born was a huge because we were all not sure how his gut was working or if it would work and being on morphine and no food it only slowed the process more. The first night leaving the hospital without my baby. The first time I drove myself, yep I bawled. The first and only time I have heard my baby make a noise, sounded so faint but I stood there forever just listening to him. The first day he spent on the lower vent.  The first time Chris & I both left the area of the hospital together, I did sit through Church with my phone in my lap staring at it waiting for it to ring. The first time I saw him suck on his mass although kinda icky was great that he had sucking abilities or the first time I saw him swallow even the first time he throw up (that was on me) were all great things for Jude… Even though there are first I won’t get to experience I am so grateful that for the first that he has had and I often sit and day dream about the first that are going to come. With each first he has it becomes more and more real that I am his mother and when he is 18 and I let him stay the night somewhere for the first time (haha) I am sure I will cry myself to sleep that night!

Silver lining

I guess it could get very easy to get caught up in your own world during this time and even to sink into a woe is me place but I feel that God has worked hard to open both Chris and I’s eyes to see the positive side of things. It is not always easy but honestly the more I can look at the bright side the better I do.

They had a night called journaling through the nicu and so I decided to go, this was one week after Jude was born. There was three other families there that night, we all went around the room and shared just a bit of our situation. A couple things hit me while these families were sharing; the first thing was that none of these families knew that their baby would be headed to the nicu. They all thought going into labor they would be delivering a healthy baby and would be taking that baby home. It is hard to process your baby having to stay in the nicu but in the moment when there is supposed to be great joy to have sadness it can turn your whole world upside down. I felt so thankful that Chris and I knew ahead of time that we were able to processes everything early on so that we could handle what lied ahead. My heart goes out to those moms and dads who are not as fortunate as we were I can’t imagine having to go through that. The second thing that hit me was how blessed we are to be with family. I knew this was a great thing but that night it hit me even more. Two of the three families were not from Kansas City. One family particular was from the middle of Missouri about two and half hours from here. When their baby was delivered the baby had to be flown to Children’s Mercy and the parents had to drive. This family also has a four year old son, they now have to try and juggle living in both places taking care of their son and when they are here they don’t have family in the area and a huge support of spiritual family. That is like a lot of the families in the nicu. We are blessed to have a great support here! This time in that class really opened my eyes to the situations around me, I am so grateful to be taken care of. I feel for these women, I am hope that they each at some point can feel comfort and their hearts can be at peace as they spend time with their baby.

Orange bracelet:

I never thought a bracelet would hold so much meaning. Chris & I wear these bright orange idea bracelets that look like we just went to a concert. This bracelet has Jude’s info on it and allows us to pass through security at the hospital without having to stop and show ID. This bracelet means Jude is mine I have a son and he is real. This bracelet also means I have a son in the hospital who cannot come home with me. I feel a weird attachment to this bracelet because it connects me to Jude and when I am not with him it is a reminder proof that I am still connected.  Every time I see someone else in the hospital with a band I wonder about their child and I feel for their situation. I wonder if their child is in critical care, if they are from here, do they have support, how are they holding up? 

Plans, what are those?

Haha anyone that knows me knows I love plans; I love to make plans for everything all the time. I am ok with change actually it doesn’t bother me at all so long as I can make a plan with that new change. Really I can’t help it my mind makes plans even when I don’t know I am doing it, Chris is learning to love that part of me J . Well let me tell you, the nicu is no place for a planner or maybe Jude does not like plans either way this has been a different world for me. From the very beginning this pregnancy has changed my plans constantly, which like I said before is fine so long as I can make new ones. People are always asking me what’s the plan, how long are we staying, when is Jude going home etc. and my response is we don’t know we have no plans. Normally this would stress me out but it doesn’t, not now.  Now I just enjoy Jude  and laugh when I think how out of control and how impossible it is for me to make any plans. 

My Jude is wonderful! he is so adorable and is filled with so much personality already. I love him so deeply.